Sex Lies And Cosmetic Surgery by Lois W. Stern
FIRST IMPRESSION
Don’t let the title put you off, this book is both serious and educational. More than one hundred people contributed to the creative process, including women who have added their own experiences anonymously. The author, Lois W. Stern, gives us the stark and touching truth about what happened to her as a plastic surgery patient, and brings to light some of the truths and misconceptions about this very personal journey.
The book is designed to act as a guide for any woman who is considering a cosmetic surgery procedure, and includes worksheets and questionnaires on some delicate subjects such as your self-esteem, your sexuality, signs of depression and testing your body image.
“Sex, Lies and Cosmetic Surgery” means to give a woman insights as to how she might react to the emotional aspects of permanently changing her face and/or body appearance, which is something the author feels strongly needs to be addressed. Every chapter in this book is filled with in-your-face honesty, and the author clearly feels that this is how every woman needs to communicate with herself before going under the knife.
A LOOK UNDER THE HOOD
Chapters 5 and 6 are especially thought-provoking as Ms. Stern opens up about her feelings toward the doctor who performed the plastic surgery. The term “transference” is brought into the picture, and the author recounts her own, in her words , “humilating” experience. In short, I found this book to be one that I could not put down, and frankly, nothing like the scandal sheet type stories we all too often see.
This is not meant to deter any woman from the plastic surgery experience, in fact the author herself had favorable results from a facelift, instead the idea is to make women aware of the possibility of feeling as though you’ve “fallen head over heels” in love with your plastic surgeon, and that it happens more often than most people realize. The message here is that if you do find yourself in that situation, you need to seek out competent help from a professional, and know that this is a transient emotional issue that you can get past with guidance and patience.
YEA OR NAY
Living in an age of “Nip Tuck” and other TV shows that make plastic surgery seem like either a ridiculous choice that insecure women make, or gloss over the fact that medical doctors think it’s fine and okay to have sex with their patients, this book is a candid and intelligent source of reliable information. I liked the fact that the author made it clear that in general it was unethical for an M.D. to become intimate with a patient, but that she showed compassion for the human side of our nature as well, and said that in some rare cases the relationship might be worth pursuing.
Overall an empowering and uplifting book, I recommend “Sex, Lies and Cosmetic Surgery” to any woman who is seriously considering undergoing a cosmetic surgical procedure.
About the author……..
Lois W. Stern
After twenty years as an educator, Lois W. Stern became involved with state and national educational conferences, making presentations at both.
Her credentials include:
Co-President of Suffolk Reading Council
Regional Director of Nassau and Suffolk LI Reading Councils
Founder of Kidstories, creating personalized books and poems for children
She attended Barnard College and Columbia University and holds a Masters Degree in Elementary Education and a second in Reading and Special Education
Sex, Lies and Cosmetic Surgery Website
I purchased my copy of “Sex Lies and Cosmetic Surgery” online from Barnes & Noble. You can buy this book at any retail outlet or at various websites.
I’ve heard of women who fall in love with their plastic surgeons. I had a nose job when I was 30 and my surgeon (thank god) was not at all attractive to me. He did good work but I didn’t think twice about him!
This book is really something every woman should read. I feel sorry for those who have no idea what might happen and are going through this emotional turmoil after the surgery.
I worked for a family council center for 5 years so I know what transference can be. Women who have just had surgery are especially vulnerable anyway and if they can actually come to think that the surgeon is some kind of knight on a white horse who has no flaws at all. It’s not something that’s going to fade away without help. This book could save a lot of women from the humilation the author herself went through.
Good review!
My mother had a facelift 5 years ago and I couldn’t understand what was wrong with her after that. She looked beautiful, and everyone complimented her on the results, but she still would sit crying for no apparent reason.
I had no idea what this was, but after reading your review last night, I went to the links you have and started reading from there. There’s no doubt in my mind that my mom was going through emotional issues due to the surgery. My dad and her had had some problems but it seemed to suddenly get huge when she was recovering. I’m glad I know more about this. I’m buying this book and giving it to my mom. I want her to know that I love her and support her.
Thanks, Nancy.
I had not even thought about the emotional side of plastic surgery! It really is more about how you feel than you look when you think about it. And wow, if a women gets great results she probably can fall for her doc! I do want to get a facelift – as soon as I can afford it lol – but, first, I’m buying this book!
I think that plastic surgery is such a personal thing to go through that it makes a lot of sense that women get emotional. I haven’t been there myself, but I always felt that I will when I get older. ( I don’t think it’s at all unnatural to want to look like yourself and not turn into someone else!)
My question here is, if we know about transference, and all the other possible emotional issues we may go through – how is that enough to keep them from happening?
I had my breasts done and a tummy tuck when my son was about 3yrs old. I’d gone through a divorce just one year earlier and I think I wanted to feel good about myself again. The surgery came out beautiful, the doctor was very kind and listened to my concerns. I had not realized how emotional I would become during my recovery. My mother took my son to stay with her for 2 weeks and I saw him on weekends. This was a blessing as I was pretty miserable myself. I cried a lot and didn’t want to talk to anyone. When my son came back home the first thing I did was find a good preschool for him so I could have some time for myself. It was the best thing to do as it got us both out of the house( I run a home-based business) and I felt better.
When I went back in for my check-up I felt that the doctor was paying very close attention to me. He smiled and winked once or twice and I have to admit it made me feel something like attraction toward him. Even though I never said anything to him, or anyone else until now, this bothered me a lot. I had some disturbing dreams after that and woke up shaking and sweating. Even though I found a small lumpy section on one of the breast incisions, I never went back to him. In my mind I thought I sure that everyone at his office noticed the attention he had been paying to me and that it would be embarrassing to go back.
I did after a couple months, go to my gyn and asked about the lumps. They were a normal part of the healing process I was told, and she did look at me a little confused-like and ask what the surgeon had to say about them. I didn’t have the nerve to tell her I never went back to him, so I lied and said that he had told me the same thing.
If I had read a book like this before my surgery I would’ve been much better equipped to deal with the emotional side of it. It’s very real and unless you’ve been through it you really don’t understand it.
Every woman should read this article and get this book!
This is a very personal subject, but it’s one that women need to be honest with themselves about. I know that the movies and TV shows glamorize plastic surgery but it’s still a very big change for your body and it does make sense that it would cause emotional issues.
What I don’t understand though is why plastic surgeons don’t talk with their patients about this in advance or have someone on their staff who councils women in advance. If they did it seems to me that this would not be a problem at all or there’d be very few cases of it.
I find it very hard to believe that the plastic surgeons don’t know about this. How could they not? And from what I understand women walk in and are told nothing. That just doesn’t sound ethical at all. What if some of them were less than scrupulous and used transference to their advantage?
When I read about this I get goosebumps. OF COURSE women are vulnerable after they’ve had plastic surgery! It would take one very ignorant (shall I say even stupid?) doctor not to know that. Furthermore, doesn’t every doctor, regardless of speciality, get training in psychiatry? Wouldn’t a plastic surgeon above all others really, need to be able to spot a patient going through some kind of emotional problems?
To me this a way of abusing women that has apparently gone unnoticed. Oprah, are you reading this? I hope you are and bring attention to it!
Wow! I’d hate to go through all that pain and suffering and then fall in love with the doctor! It sounds like the women are hypnotized or something. I can believe it happens, I agree that it makes sense, but who would want that to happen to them? It must be so strange and they must feel ridiculous about it. It’s one of those things though that people need to talk about. Maybe if women know about it they can be prepared for it.
Kind of like postnatal depression in some ways. If a woman knows it might happen to her, then she can recognize the signs of it and talk to her doctor. Only with transference, the woman can’t speak about it to her doctor because that’s where her problem is! We need a support organization or a hotline for this. It sounds like it could cause women a lot of pain!
Coming from European parents, I was raised with a different attitude toward sex and relationships in general. I don’t think it’s right for a doctor to take advantage of a woman because he’s in a position of authority and trust, but if there is a real attraction and the two of them want to get involved that’s okay as far as I’m concerned. The woman just can’t be a patient again for any reason though. If she has problems later she needs to go to someone else!
This just sounds like someone has been covering up this problem because of their own guilt! Namely, doctors who clearly are breaking all kinds of ethical rules by getting involved sexually with their patients!
Any woman who even thinks about plastic surgery should have a whole list of questions she asks herself and then after that gets all the information about what she’s likely to experience, including during the recovery period.
I can’t believe that anyone with any kind of moral fiber would think that it’s okay to let women come in and get surgery and not be given any idea what they may go through emotionally!
It does sound like more of a psychological problem than a physical one. Maybe that’s why the surgeons aren’t dealing with it? It doesn’t excuse them though. I mean when a woman has a baby doctors know about depression and they are ob/gyns. If plastic surgeons can do so many fantastic things in the operating room, then they should either have someone on their staff who is trained in psychology or get more training themselves. It’s surprising that it’s not required.
What about the possibility of two people actually falling in love? Didn’t Victoria Principal marry her plastic surgeon?
I read the comments here, and as a nurse/midwife I can tell you that this is EXACTLY like what a woman goes through after childbirth, only hormones are not the cause. When a person has plastic surgery, they are altering their appearance and automatically feel insecure about it to some degree. How will it come out? What will others say? Will I be happy afterward? These are all questions that go around in their minds, and they often ask us nurses how to deal with these things months later.
Transference happens to women who are pregnant or just had a baby as well. They can fall in love with their OB and believe it’s the real thing. I’ve seen women break down in tears years later and tell me about it.
No doctor should ever, under any circumstances become involved in an intimate relationship with a patient. Even a former patient would come under scrutiny, but at least they made the effort to separate professional/personal connections.
If a woman believes she’s in love with her plastic surgeon, or any doctor she’s seen, she definitely needs to tell someone about it who can help her, and tell her she’s not losing her mind, and that it has happened to a million others so she stands a good chance of recovering!
One note though, there is such a thing as counter-transference and it’s possible for a doctor to fall in love with his patient as well. He’s trained so he should recognize the symptoms. However, the patient won’t! Also, there can be and unfortunately are, doctors who are simply looking to take advantage of women in any way they can. They have problems themselves and it’s a shame to say it but they can actually encourage women who are already vulnerable. And, yes, they certainly can spot it! If you aren’t strong emotionally for any reason, let me tell you, an qualified medical doctor can spot that a mile away the moment you walk in the office!
Be sure before you make the decision to have the surgery. Talk to a psychologist or psychiatrist if you have any nagging doubts, or if you’ve just been through any kind of trauma like divorce or sickness, etc.
This was an excellent review, Nancy. Well-written!
Thank you for the candid and helpful comments!
I experienced quite a bit of emotional upset after my surgery. I went through periods of crying and since I was in a time of mourning it made it even worse. It took years for me to feel like I was my normal self again. I wouldn’t recommend anyone going through plastic surgery within a year of losing a loved one (or two in my case), but I had breast lumps and one in my arm that had to be removed so really I had little choice.
I wanted to answer the question of a true relationship forming between a doctor and a patient. There’s the story of Leola Mae Harmon, who was disfigured in a car accident, and did in fact fall in love with her plastic surgeon, Dr. James Stallings, and marry him. She wrote a book called, “Why Me?” and a TV movie of the same name was made in 1984 starring Armand Assante as the doctor and Glynnis O’Connor as Leola Mae.
Here’s a link to a little more about her: http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0363532/bio
A link to her book: http://www.amazon.com/Why-Me-Leola-Mae-Harmon/dp/0812880234/ref=sr_1_5?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1265723076&sr=1-5
It’s true that Victoria Principal marred a plastic surgeon but I don’t know if she was ever a patient of his or not.
A woman has enough to worry about going through plastic surgery. The pain, the recovery, the down time. I agree that there should be a system in place to inform women about the emotional side of this kind of surgery, and also a help system for those who experience problems.
There are millions of $$$ being spent every year on plastic surgery. Come on now, can’t the surgeons address this problem seriously and make it vanish or come close to it??
Well, I had this plastic surgeon I went to stare at me like I was on the dinner menu, make suggestive comments, and flirt like crazy – in front of his staff who acted like this was not a big deal!
Let me tell you this is a real problem in the medical community. Maybe not with the younger guys, but the older guard who thinks they are “allowed” to take liberties with their female patients are just plain disgusting!
What needs to happen is women have to speak up. I don’t care what your circumstances! This is a taboo subject that needs to have the curtain lifted on it and expose the you-know-whats for what they really are – self-centered, egotistical, and abusive!
I know that there are other women out there equally as steamed about this as I am. I HOPE THEY SPEAK OUT!
It would be a shame to take all the fair tales out of life! There must be someone out there who fell in love with her doctor and had a happy ending. At least I hope so!
I read this blog and thought I’d post the link here. This an MD who says it is NEVER okay to date a patient no matter what. Even if she asks him out, or they meet years later or whatever. But, at the end, the last entry, is from a man who says his father was an gynecologist and that’s how he met his mother some 30 years ago!
So, like that man asks – are we too uptight about relationships these days?
http://www.kevinmd.com/blog/2006/07/is-it-ever-ok-to-date-patient.html
I went to that blog, myopinionis, and it really sounded bad for the docs until I got to that last entry. How true! We have become cynical and narrow-minded! Two human beings can fall in love under ANY circumstances, but we insist on passing judgement on them!
But, if a doctor got involved with a patient just for sex then it’s wrong. Period. I don’t care who says what and why, but he’s the one in charge ultimately and there’s just no way that’s ever going to be an equal relationship!
So, I guess if it’s “true love” then you need to search your heart first, then go for it. But, if it’s lust and greed – the MD deserves to have the book thrown at him!!
Thank you, myopinionis! I read that blog and was feeling very negative about doctor/patient relationships until I got to that last comment. Have we become uptight about life? Yes! I think we all have! After all, two people can meet in a bar and fall in love – then why not in other places like a doctor’s office? After reading the comments here and at that other blog, I’ve really started thinking about how narrow-minded our society truly is!
I read the comments here, and it has me thinking along different lines, too. Maybe we do try to be so very protective of patients that we overlook the obvious – they’re human beings. It reminds me of the parent who goes to great lengths to protect their child and never lets him just be a regular person. Maybe we should remember that we’re all men/women despite the circumstances. I admit I’ve been judgemental of others myself. But it’s not right.
There’s a 60’s movie called “The Best Of Everything” and it has Hope Lange, Diane Baker and Susie Parker in it. Diane Baker’s character gets into a car accident and ends up in the hospital. She then falls in love the doctor who took care of her. No one thought there was anything wrong about it. I think if you have feelings for someone that’s okay. It’s a normal thing.
Here’s a link for some info: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Best_of_Everything
This is one of the most interesting articles I’ve read in a long time! Nancy, I’d like to suggest that you continue this whole line of thought in a new article about the subject of doctor/patient relationships. Every woman out there has been at least a little in love with her doctor at one point or another and we can all relate to it. But then again there’s the ethics issue to consider.
My view is that if a woman likes a man and vice versa whatever takes place from there is their own business. I would have a big problem with a man who knew he was taking advantage of woman under any circumstances – not just as a doctor/patient.
Touchy subject I think. On one hand the doctor would be a real low-life if he was just after the sex with the patient being all starry-eyed for him. He’d deserve to be fined and maybe even lose his license because of it.
However, the idea of two people honestly falling for each other is very real. No one can determine when and how love shows up in their life. For me, I ‘d have to say that if I had feelings for a doctor (I don’t everyone I’m only supposing) I’d wait it out to see if it was just something that passed on its own. But if it persisted and I believed I really did care for this man, I’d definitely want to pursue it on a personal basis. I’d find another doctor though, even if things did work out I just wouldn’t want to be in the patient role again.
I also think it would be up to the patient to say something first. The doctor really can’t. That would make him something of a predator or at least look like one anyway even if he wasn’t. I’d never be comfortable with the man if he made the first move. I’d always wonder.
There are some good points made here. It really does depend on the man/woman in question. If two people are lucky enough to find each other the rest of the world should be happy for them. Yes, the woman probably does need to find another doctor, but there should be no shame in it for either of them!
Also, the book looks very good. I’ve seen it before and wondered about it. Thanks for letting us know that it’s not just another trashy kind of book!
After reading your review, I went out and got this book. It really is as good as you said it is!
Personally, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with a doctor/patient relationship. It’s far better to me than picking up a stranger in a bar or restaurant. Furthermore, I have gotten negative feedback from friends who have met people from online dating sites. No, I think that if I’m ever single again, I’d much rather date a doctor I found attractive!
My mother used to say all the time that she fell in love with Dr. Kildaire when that show was on tv! I agree that every woman feels some kind of attachment to a real-life doctor sometime in her life. When I was pregnant I had very warm feelings toward my doctor, and when I told the nurse she laughed and said that I was one of a dozen other patients who felt the same way!
If it’s real though, you should never pass it by. Love doesn’t come to everyone and when it does the last thing you should do is refuse it!
This is a very good book, I have it, and I will follow the author’s advise and ask myself every question in it before I get plastic surgery!
After reading the latest comments, I have had a “Come To Jesus” meeting with myself. Of course, there isn’t anything wrong with a doctor/patient falling in love with each other. What some here said about meeting a man in a bar or restaurant struck a chord with me. I met a guy once in a bar who was handsome, very well dressed and drove a late model Mercedes convertible. Sounds dreamy? That’s what I thought. Until one night about three weeks later he showed up at my house stinking drunk and demanded sex at two AM! I had not gone yet to bed with the man, don’t ask me why I was very attracted, and about all I could was stare at him as he swayed back and forth on my doorstep and tell me how much money he spent on me and that he deserved something in return. I slammed the door on him and never took another call from him after that.
The one I SHOULD like is my gynecologist, who is newly single. He’s active in our community, tall and nice looking. He’s got the best blue eyes I ever saw on a man as well. I’ve been a patient of his for almost 6 years, but if I decide to pursue this, I’ll go to another doctor first.
Thanks, ladies. You made me see how narrow-minded my thinking really was. How dumb of me!
Reading these comments was really an eye-opener! I always used to think that people should only meet under the right circumstances but, what are the right ones anyway? The truth of it is that if someone feels that kind of emotion for another human being, and takes a chance, that is just so courageous that I get tears in my eyes just thinking about it.
Sure, there are going to be jerks, but like some of the nice ladies commented right here – you can find them anywhere! If you’re a woman in love with your doctor (or feel that strongly about any man for that matter) I say GO FOR IT!
I’m so happy to read that everyone is seeing the positive side of a doctor/patient relationship! No, I’m not in one myself – but if I was looking I’d definitely not rule a man out just because he was my doctor. If anything, I’d look at him as a good choice!
Confession time! I was one of the cynics who would have sneered at anyone who said she fell in love with her doctor! After reading this article and all the great comments, I am ashamed of what my attitude has been. Nothing but sour grapes! At 58, you may think you know so much, but let me tell you there’s still a whole lotta stuff to learn! For anyone out there who is in love or married your doctor – good for you, I wish you all the best!
Dear Nancy,
I was overwhelmed, overjoyed and a bit humbled by the emotional chords played out in the hearts and minds of so many of your readers through your review of my book, Sex, Lies and Cosmetic Surgery. My chapter, “Utter Humiliation” was probably the most difficult writing task I ever undertook – not that it was difficult to recall and record that sequence of events. That part was simple as the facts were indelibly sketched in my brain. But recounting them was another story. The truth is that as I pounded those words out onto the computer screen, tears streamed down my cheeks. I felt such pain and embarrassment.
Why did I do it? I grappled with that choice for awhile. But somehow I sensed that I could touch so many others and help them through similar experiences if I could push my honesty button to the max.
Your review and the thoughts it has evoked in your many readers is true validation for my efforts.
Thank you ever so much.
Warm regards,
Lois W. Stern
P.S. Sex, Lies and Cosmetic Surgery will soon be released with an interactive back-of-book CD.
I now have published a second book (about non-invasive paths to beauty). Let me know if you would like to get hold of a review copy.
Kudos to Lois W. Stern for her courage! I think every woman should read this book, regardless of whether or not she’s contemplating plastic surgery. You never know what can happen. A dear friend of mine went through a mastectomy and then had reconstructive surgery thereafter. She wasn’t thinking about plastic surgery before that. I told her about this book and she said she is running out to buy it. We’re emotional beings not robots. It’s high time someone out there recognized that. : )
Another lurker here. Been reading this post with interest though. Because I’m one of the women who fell in love with her plastic surgeon. We had an affair. It was the worst experience of my life There’s not doubt in my mind that he was using me, and saw that I was simply full of gratitude and in awe of the great work he did. I was terrified of the surgery, and he was able to calm me down and get me through it. I began leaning on him emotionally without even realizing it. However, I am quite sure that he knew full well what was happening. In fact, the man encouraged it all the way.
There’s a lot more to this story than just this, but a year later when I told this story to a therapist (it’s all on record) she said that it made her hair stand on end just listening to it. The doctor, in her professional opinion, has deep problems that cause him to do things like this. At that time I was still too muddled in my thinking to believe her. I knew something was wrong with the way he acted toward me, but I couldn’t face it.
Ladies, don’t be deceived by your own emotions. If you think that your plastic surgeon, or any doctor is some knight on a horse or the “great love” you’ve always wanted to have – don’t believe it! There are men who are out to make themselves look good, have huge egos, and in the end only want something to strut around about and feel powerful. They don’t care about you, or how you feel, or what you may be going through. All they are concerned with is themselves.
Note: Meeta asked to have parts of this comment deleted. I respected her request and complied. Nancy
My God, I just read Meeta’s comment and I’m actually in tears over it! We women are emotional creatures and it’s no doubt that what she wrote about could happen to any one of us. I think the danger here is being too convinced that it can’t possibly be you in that position because it surely could! God bless you, Meeta! I hope you continue to move forward beyond this!
The danger in using positive thinking here is that you feed the self-deception that comes with transference. That’s what it is all about. Your in a mental state that makes you believe your doctor is this super-hero for you, and that he’s not only made you beautiful, but that he has also shown you the way to true love and happiness. That’s just not true.
After your surgery will be looking at everything through rose-colored glasses and the attachment to your surgeon can easily form. You need to prepare yourself for this possibility. Even if you’re in a good relationship, this can still affect you.
Doctors are not gods. They’re human beings with both the positive and negative aspects to their nature. And, when it comes down to it, they’ll think nothing of hurting you and tossing you aside to save themselves.
I’m writing this as a medical assistant who has worked for a plastic surgeon for almost 12 years. It’s good thing someone is writing about this subject. It’s been kept in the closet for too long.
I agree with the ones who say you should avoid involvement with a doctor when you’re a patient. Your going to be in a subordinate role, no two ways about it, and he knows that all too well. The man who would go ahead and take advantage of this situation – EVEN if you’re the one who approaches him – is simply unethical. Not to mention his moral fiber is rather loose to say the least.
This isn’t something I’ve had happen to me, but I was in an office romance for almost a year that ended in a very tearful scene that left me unemployed and feeling completely ridiculous! I’m not going to go into all of it, but the man I had fallen for was my boss, so he was surely in a position of authority. He led me to believe he was unhappily married and getting a divorce soon. Since this is also what everyone else who worked there said about him, I thought I could believe it. Well, it turned out he was just a very good liar and that’s that. I learned the hard way that men don’t see truth as a way to get what they want, not in every case anyway.
So if the circumstances are not what you like, or if you feel uncomfortable with what a man is telling you, you should turn around and run. Doctor or not.
I’m a bit worried about the idea of women finding true love forever with their doctor. I’m an RN, and I’ve seen plenty of female patients turn into blushing schoolgirls around their physician. It’s all just a way for you to make yourself feel good about going to the doctor. It’s natural to be afraid, and your mind tells you that if you have such strong feelings for this man then it’s all bound to turn out just fine. There’s also that spirit of gratitude that kicks in. It’s a normal response but when a woman takes it to the next level and acts on it then she puts herself at risk of an emotionally wrenching experience. That’s true for nurses as well who can fall for a doctor they work with. It’s just admiration taken to a level where it doesn’t belong – and can’t possibly ever maintain!
Here’s another side to this whole problem: the woman the surgeon is married to gets hurt as well.
I was married to a plastic surgeon, and by the time I realized what was going on he’d had many affairs. Some of them with his patients. I felt so deceived and wounded. It was awful. There I was believing in him and that he was this upstanding individual. I could not have been more wrong, nor feel like more of a fool.
My advice to any woman who is about to take a step toward her doctor is simply to stop, look and listen. Stop the madness before it starts because that’s just what it is. Look at the man and what he’s doing, and wonder how many others there have been before and what’s more how many will be there after you’re gone. Listen to that little nagging voice inside of you that tells you what you’re doing is wrong and it no good can possibly come of it.
I’m not bitter toward any other women. But, I’m still searing mad at what a man can do and think it’s okay!
Been there done that to all of it. Was the patient who fell in love, was the wife, was the idiot who didn’t see the forest for the trees.
This article and the comments after have brought a problem to light that many women experience. Let’s face it, it’s embarrassing and most of us would not have the nerve to tell others that we ourselves were in that position. My hat is off to Lois W. Stern for writing this book. And to you as well, Nancy, for writing the review and bringing this to our attention. This is information every woman on the planet needs to know.
*At the request of the subscriber, the content of this comment has been deleted. She thanks everyone for their kind response and their compassion. *
I have been following this blog with great interest and am so pleased Nancy has opened the door to so much open dialogue.
When I was writing Sex, Lies and Cosmetic Surgery, I already surmised that wives of plastic surgeons must face special challenges (See my verbatim interview with “Beauty” in chapter 6). I do believe that most plastic surgeons are extremely honorable and don’t succumb to the vulnerablity of their patients. But human emotions being what they are, when temptation is ever present, it must be difficult to maintain that straight and narrow path. My heart goes out to the wives of plastic surgeons, who need to live with the knowledge that their husbands are being actively pursued on a daily basis, and especially to women like Reading Glasses, who have experienced the ultimate betrayal. Nancy, perhaps we should do an article focusing on the lives of the wives.
I’ve read the comments here and would like to say that I do still believe in people and think that being judgmental is wrong. My heart breaks for the wives who have been hurt, and also for the women who came in as patients unknowingly and fell for the wrong man. I agree that most doctors of any kind are good people and that they would never hurt anyone. The problem I see is that the few who do are unethical are in a position to see hundreds of women every year, and have the potential to hurt so many of them. So that’s why the whole profession can get a bad name, even though that’s not anywhere near the truth of it.
I’m happy I’ve never had a doctor/patient kind of emotional involvement. But, I’ve had other men who were not doctors behave very badly toward me so those who said it can happen anywhere are exactly right.
Thank you all for sharing your experiences with us. I know that many of you have been through very difficult experiences and that it was not easy to reveal this to total strangers. I am sure that I speak for everyone here when I say that we all have a great amount of respect for your courage!
When I wrote this article I wanted to let women know that they may face an emotional upset as a result of having plastic surgery. Falling in love with your doctor should not be a natural part of the process, and if it is this is a sign that you need to find help in the way of counseling. Many of you wrote to me and said that you experienced this kind of problem without knowing it even existed and wanted to know why it had been kept secret until now. I don’t know that it was actually a secret, but it is very possible that some doctors didn’t take this seriously and that a small percentage of them use the mental state of their patients to take advantage of them. Whatever the case may be with your own doctor, knowing about this in advance makes you aware it can happen to anyone, as was pointed out by some of you here, and allows you to nip it in the bud when it happens or get help from those who can give you the tools to do that if you need them.
To date, I’ve received a large number of messages about this article. There have been literally dozens of different scenarios presented to me, including one from a woman who began her email with “what about the cheating wives?”, and therefore far too many for me to go ahead with more articles and at the same time be fair to everyone. And that’s what is most important to me.
I hope that any of you who have something to say about this topic continue to come in and speak your mind. You are welcome to do so at any time. However, I won’t be writing a follow-up to this. It was a book review, and meant to share information about an important subject with all of my readers. I would like to leave it at that.
All the best to everyone,
Nancy
I would like to say something about the subject of professional ethics. I have been certified as a Yoga Instructor for almost twenty years, and I currently hold teacher training at a Yoga school in California. One of the things that struck me first here is that there is an oath sworn by these doctors, and whether they like it or not, they are bound to keep it. As a Yoga instructor I myself had to agree to a very strict Code Of Ethics, and that does clearly include that I must not under any circumstances get involved with a client. Men have approached me many, many times and they still do to this day. But whether or not I’m in a relationship has nothing to do with my answer. I can’t date them because it’s against the Code.
Yoga uses the energy within our bodies to heal and strengthen us, and this can heighten the sexual awareness in a person, as well as help them to get through difficult periods in life. Put it all together and you will see how easily a client could think that they’ve fallen for their instructor. The main reason we should not allow this to happen is because the client is not looking at us realistically. They can idealize us and make us out to be something like a goddess. We are not that, and it is wrong for us to allow a man to think that way because it’s the same thing as deceiving him. I’m saying all of this so you can see how I can see the same kind of reaction as “transference” in a Yoga client.
Yes, I am very sympathetic to any woman who has had her husband lie and cheat. But I do see the situation for what it is. And there is just no way to justify the doctor here. I’m sorry to say that, but, you see, not only did I promise to uphold a code of ethics, but I can lose my instructor’s certification if I ever broke that code. It’s taken that seriously.
I’ve been an M.D. for 16 years and I find some of the ideas presented here to be disturbing. No doctor should ever think it’s allowable to become intimate with a patient. It’s just not ethical, and it’s also not realistic from an emotional standpoint as well. The patient will always be in a vulnerable position as long as such a relationship lasts, and that’s one excellent reason for not starting it in the first place.
Even if both parties are free and single, there are some lines that should never be crossed. If the patient for whatever reason is blinded to that fact, then the doctor’s training should tell him that it’s a situation ripe for disaster.
I’m late making a comment here, but I’ve been following what everyone has said. I never thought about a doctor/patient romance as being wrong! I am one of those people who thinks that if you find love you need to go for it and not throw away a chance at happiness. Who knows if this person really could be the love of your life and you’re worrying about what? Things that don’t really matter! If you are both available then there should be nothing else stopping you!
I have met Lois and read both her books- Tick-Tock Stop the Clock the last one, is very informative also. She is so educated on this subject! I have used many of her tips from her monthly newsletter. I’ve known a few women who have had affairs with their doctors, and they ended badly.Women are so vulnerable in these situations.